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Pink or Black?

I feel this is a little silly of me, but it would be really kind of you to help me with my pink or black dilemma. I always find it easier to make my decission after asking others, not because I do what most people tell me, but for some reason it usually makes me realize what I really want. I guess a second, or two million oppinions helps my brain. I have a pro and con list but I was thinking to just ask without that + it was fun to put together pictures!

baby pygmy mamoset

Dancing on stage at Gamex/Comic Con

I was up on stage, dancing at Gamex/Comic con. I was so crazy nervous and was chaking for about an hour afterwards. But it was a a lot of fun. I don't even remember the last time I was on stage before this time. The stage part wasn't what made it fun, although it actually was a bit fun that it was on a little stage. I was so mad at afterwards for not hitting 5 stars, but I've let that go now. Now I'm just super proud that I did it. It was pretty huge for me!

cosy christmas fika

My mum and I bought some lovely organic mulled whine, saffron buns, gingerbread and filled up a cup with her home made fudge yesterday. We were going to make our own saffron buns but I was way to tired after this whole week that we decided to buy some instead. We watched both Santa Claus and Elf (with breaks for food ^--^). Then afterwards when my mum wanted to sleep I played Just Dance, she could sleep even if I danced so that was great for both of us.

This is my new favourite mulled wine. It's very sweet and rich in flavour, it was good both warm and cold. So lots of thumbs up. It was avalible both in bottle and box, bot were beautiful AND it was cheaper than the non organic! We did try another one too but it tasted a lot of alcohol even though it wasn't a lot in it, it also was pretty flat and did not taste like christmas. The one above did taste like christmas!

Continue the day with some Vsauce!

spoiled crybaby

I was going to play sims yesterday when I layed in the sofa waiting for food. Yepp, I'm super spoiled sometimes. Mew however did not want me to play. He jumped up on my stomach and wanted to cuddle. I didn't really mind, I get happy when he wants to cuddle (which is the majority of the day every day haha).

I've just slept and slept and slept for hours. My mum is visiting so I've gotten up at 6.30 am with her everyday. But today I really felt how exhausted I was after two days of shopping and those hours of superfocus tidying yesterday. When Roberto woke up at 10am I started crying, or maybe sobbing, I didn't really have energy to cry either. I have gotten to know my different feelings of sadness and I knew I had to go back to sleep. So I fell asleep in seconds and slept for 3 hours. After that Mew woke me up because the door into the livingroom where I slept was closed and he wanted to get in. haha.

I've just browsed trough RoligaPrylar.se for christmas gifts for around two hours, but it's so hard. I want to get everything from there... Mhhhppp. So I called my brother to ask him if he could check for himself if there was anything he would like from there. It will make it a little easier for me. It's also hard to pick for Roberto because I know he would love almost everything! So I have to take a break from that now. I'm actually going into town, again, to meet up with my mum. I'm still exhausted after the last two days but I want to meet up with her because she's not here much and I want to spend all the time I can with her when she is!

I made a new header!

Up until now my headers has usually been some cut and paste kind of thing. But yesterday I really, really wanted to make a winter header. So I searched for my old photos from not last winter but the sinter before that to find something that would work. Before this I didn't really like looking at my blog, but now I get filled with a happy feeling :D I hope you like it too! 

Exhausted, tired and hungry but I can't stop.

One of the problems that I deal with is that I get superfocused. It's not always a problem, but it can be. I usually love getting superfocused! But I forget to eat andI go into this mode where nothing else really excists. It's great when it comes to my art. It's usually great when it comes to cleaning and tidying up too, but not this time.

Right now I've been tidying up our bedroom for 2 hours and 30 minutes straight. Or I did write to my mum just to ask what our plans where for when she get off work. My plan was to put all the clothes Roberto folded togheter yesterday in place. It's a bit funny that I still don't realize that I don't work like that. That's never what happens when I say that "I'm just going to do a little"... I've unpacked boxes and jars, pulled out all my drawers, trying to get every single thing in place. Because if they're not in place I can't put in other things in them.

Right now it looks like a bigger mess than when I started. I know that's not the case since I have a box with things that are going in the basement, I've organized drawers and other boxes etc. But looking at it now makes me so tired. I was going to make it look tidy and clean, not like a Mew and Damien has been running around in here trying to get attention. It doesn't make things better that I've slept really bad the last couple of nights. BUT I feel like I will get a good night's sleep tonight, so that's great. I think I've finally made myself so exhausted that I will not be able to lay awake with my rasing thoughts. I will most likely go to bed wuite early. I feel as if it's 10pm right now haha.

I will now get stressed if I take a longer break to eat something. So I'm sitting here now, trying to figure out if there is anything in the kitchen that I can eat while continuing with this. I'm trying to take a few deep breaths. There is a lot to do. I've not been able to do this for so long since I've just been laying in the sofa not doing anything for weeks...

BUT BUT BUT it will look so lovely when I'm done. I know I won't get done today, but when I'm done I will make a tour video. Our appartment still doesn't look the way we want it to, but this one will never do that. our walls are next to impossible to drill trough even with a special drill. That makes it super hard to get things up on our walls. Most of the things I've put up are just with luck. I've found parts in the wall where you could put in tiny nails a little bit deeper than usual.

Sculptures waiting for paint.

Sculpture class is over. This is everything I made. I still have to paint them. I'm going to paint them with acrylics. I'm going to make a lid to the tiny one at home out of hbby clay. I tried a different edge on top of it and I didn't like it after it got burnt at all.

These were the two first things I made there. The big Blöb is a jar! You can open it and put your presious things in there. I can't wait ti get into painting mode and paint them all! Right now theyre all an orangey color. I don't like it at all...

The four above are still waiting to dry. The bottom right one weight about 10kg... Oh I don't know how to get it home haha. All of the skulptures are hollow from the top. I was planning on having most of them as pots. But I don't really have any plats. Just on the balcony and I don't want to keep these outside during the winter part of the year. We'll see if I can buy some plants that Damien won't eat!

wake up to a short video about Asylums

Please note that this can be hard for some to watch and not all should watch it!

I find Asylums so facinating and interesting. I know I should feel that they are horrible for what they have done to people, but I have trouble feeling it. Empathy isn't strong with me. But I do feel a dislike for the people who ran and/or did these things. At least I know I'm not alone feeling like this.
I would not have wanted to have the "issues" I have now back in these days...

Autumn jacket GIVEAWAY!

I forgot to mention that EVERYONE can enter, it doesn't matter where in the world you live!

Start the day with some science!

I enjoy that AsapSCIENCEs (on youtube) videos are short, fun and you learn a lot from them. It's a great way to start the day!

Oh, happy day!

Today has been pretty good. I've only been close to crying once, I have not had strong emotions of depression or anxiety, I watched an amazing movie (interstellar) with my fiancé at the movies. I found a lot of fun candy at  the English Bookstore that I will go and buy later this week and my mum is coming in about an hour. She will stay for a week!

I'm going to make dinner now, but mew is all cuddled up beside me. I have trouble getting up every single time he is beside me. I just want to be next to him all the time. He has started to sleep on my stomach some times, when I sleep on the sofa. Oh and last night I put Damien next to me and I held him while trying to go to sleep. He has lost weight by they way. I will write about him in another post. I want to write a lot about that to get it all out. It's nothing bad, he's well and happy!

This is mew when he washes himself. This morning he sat like this but had both his front paws on his stomach. It looked funny!


I'm very excited. sort of, right now. I've been wanting to see this movie for a long, long time. My fiancé and I haven't been to the movies in months but now it's time! I can only imagine how beautiful it will be to look at. From what I've seen it's very beatifully made, hopefully I will feel calm. I haven't felt fully relaxed in so long. Sci-fi movies tend to relax me, especially those that are very beautiful.

This must have been if not the best, one of the best movies I've ever seen. It was beautiful to look at, the music was lovely, the story was great and I think I've never felt so many emotions in the emotion spectrum during one movie. I strongly recommend you to watch this movie on the big screen! I want to do that, again!

cannabis and spice.

Right now we have huge problems in Sweden with spice. They keep criminalizing new substances and new ones just keeps coming. They shut down one of the biggest sites for spice, but of course new ones rises. The do searches for spice in schools and say it's a vicotry when they've caught people in possesion of the drug. Wouldn't it be a victory to get to the root to why young people use drugs in school and work with it from there? To actually help people who need help? It's also a problem that

The people in charge of our country do not understand why we have such a huge problem with spice. They don't understand that it's because cannabis is illegal and they no not want to hear that so many of us now see trough their bullshit propaganda. All they seem hear when someone mentions legalization of cannabis is that it will be "free for everyone" and everyone is going to get high and not do their jobs. I call bullshit. It wouldn't be "free for everyone" because it shouldn't. It would be regulated. Also, with that logic, all people should be drunk and not do their jobs. They also love "the gateway theory" here. They don't seem to realize that when they say "almost everyone who tries harder drugs have started with cannabis", that most people have tried alcohol before they've tried cannabis. Therefore Alcohol must be the gateway drug... The majority of people who use cannabis have not tried harder drugs and the majority of people who use alcohol do not use cannabis (just to make it extra clear).

I read a few of the new bills different politicians from different parties had sent in about narcotics recently. A common one was "drug testing in schools". This is how they seem to believe is the best way to go about kids and young adults to stay away from drugs. I would rather suggest that they educate and as I mentioned above, work on finding the roots to why these people use drugs and provice help if they need it. Not mark them as criminals. You can find all such information (from Swedish politicians in Swedish) HERE.

What I understand but can't except is that our politicians refuse to acknowledge the medical benifits, or refuse to admit them. Not even after all studies that have come out. No, it's still a class 1 one drug but feel free to give people benzo... They also have a drug avalible as medication called Sativex "which contains THC (a substance in cannabis that affects the brain’s receptors)", that how peoples health authority describes it. Why does it excist? Because it works, they can't patent a plant and the pharmaceutical industry want to make money.. I'm not going to go deeper into this now. I will post about that later. Not my own words though.

You who have followed me for some time may know that I used to say that I was against drugs. That was before I knew much about the subject. Why people use drugs, how they use them and what the most usual ones actually do. I did link to a video earlier, it's in Swedish, I strongly recommend you to watch it. It's just people talking about the narcotic politics in Sweden and why they don't work. You find it HERE. Down below is another video in Swedish about spice and why people use it. I also wanted to add a debate aricle (also in Swedish) that I read today. You'll find it below the video.

I will share my favourite documentaries on this subject later. They are all in English! Also, please tell me what you think about this and feel free to share your favourite documentaries and articles about this!

Here is a debate article by Axel Hallberg, original here.

För en gångs skull håller jag med Centerpartiets ungdomsförbund (CUF) och Frans Sporsén, ordförande för CUF Göteborg, som skrev på Nyheter24 för en tid sedan. Den svenska debatten om cannabis är skev och snedvriden. Om målet är en hållbar drog- och missbrukspolitik bör första steget vara en öppen och saklig debatt. Cannabis är fortfarande, bland annat inom mitt eget parti, en fråga man sällan pratar om. Jag upplever att frågan fortfarande är förknippad med interna stridigheter och härskartekniker inom Miljöpartiet.
Jag anser att dagens narkotikapolitik är felriktad. Jag tror inte att en gör samhället en tjänst genom att straffa och skuldbelägga missbrukare. Dagens politik är kontraproduktiv. Vi bör i stället ha ett system där de som behöver hjälp med sitt missbruk får det, utan att vara rädda för att bli straffade. Ett första steg mot en human och välfungerande drogpolitik är att avkriminalisera cannabis.
Vi är många i Sverige som är av denna åsikten, men det går långsamt framåt. Som företrädare för ett ungdomsförbund blir en ofta avfärdad med att vara ung och naiv, så även när det gäller avkriminalisering av cannabis. Synen på det “trygga” system vi har i dag är så starkt ingjutet i vissa att alla andra idéer och tankar blir aningen läskiga. Jag upplever att det i dag inte ens finns en diskussion om avkriminalisering. Därför uppskattar jag att bland annat CUF och Piratpartiet lyfter frågan. Vi är många som måste ta striden i våra partier. Jag hoppas att vi kan få en saklig och öppen debatt om avkriminalisering och på sikt även en om legalisering. I dag är de allra flesta rädda för att ens prata om det.
Skrämselpropagandan kring cannabis måste få ett slut. Den leder till en avsmalnad åsiktskorridor och ett komplicerat debattklimat. Jag förväntar mig inte att alla ska hålla med mig, men jag förväntar mig att alla vill eftersträva en fungerande och human narkotikapolitik. Om vi eftersträvar en fungerande politik måste vi ta cannabis för vad det faktiskt är. 
Vi måste sluta prata om vad cannabis i värsta fall kan ha får konsekvenser för ungdomar, och i stället börja prata om hur vi kan hindra människor i min egen ålder att supa. I dag ser vi alkohol som en normal del av livet, även för killar och tjejer som har flera år kvar till myndighetsålder. Menar en allvar med att en vill hjälpa ungdomar, eller vem som helst, sprider en inte skrämselpropaganda mot cannabis. Skrämselpropagandan hindrar oss från att lösa de faktiska problem som trots allt finns, både med cannabis och andra typer av droger.
Kritiken och skräckpropagandan mot cannabis hindrar en saklig debatt och en fungerande politik gällande ämnet. Målet är en human och fungerande drog- och missbrukspolitik. Det får vi inte genom att skrämma ungdomar eller håna meningsmotsåndare. Det är dags att vi börjar diskutera cannabis mer öppet, dagens politik håller inte.
Axel Hallberg,
Ordförande för Grön Ungdom Lund samt styrelseledamot för Grön Ungdom Syd

Animal Hearted Apperal

This site has some amazing shirts, they also donate 25% of the proceeds from each sale to animal shelters (non kill) and rescue organizations!
 I've been wanting to get something from their site for quite some time now. I will, soon. I have priorotised getting my arm fixed (covered up some colors in my tattos etc). I usually get my clothes secondhand, but it's starting to become so popular now that it's often hard to find something you like. haha. So I really like it when buy new, new clothes that the brand supports something great!

Learning to embrace myself.

It's not hard to make me smile, there just not a lot of things that makes me (right now). I had just written quite a lot, I though I copied it but I didn't. Blogger sometimes puts pictures you upload where they want, instead of where you want. So I was going to move the text and deleted it before I knew it was copied. I did not remember everything but mjeh, it's ok ^--^

Today I stopped at the playground to swing when my fiancé and I went for a walk. It was so much fun! I can't remember when I got a smile on my face so quickly. It was hard work after a while, I started feeling it in my arm muscles (or lack of). We have swings pretty close to our home, so I can go there whenever I want!

Ever since I left my last psychologist I've started to understand myself more and started to accept myself in a whole other way than before. My stuffed animals are back out of their coffin. Look how happy they are! Whenever I feel really poop I cuddle up and hug them, it makes me feel a lot better. Everyone has to join in because if not, the ones who are not there will get sad.

I now embrace the things I always knew I liked even more. Specially the "childish" and "silly" things. I did that before too, but it feels different now when I realise it's such a big part of me and how much it really means to me to have such things around and to do such things. I've always felt a bit hurt whenever someone commented on it in a negative way. Not because I was seen as silly of childish but because they didn't seem to understand who I was/am. I don't blame anyone though, I didn't understand either. If I did I would have said something, if it happens now I'm going to say how it hurts and why.

Knowing these things I feel even more confident in beeing the youngest in the family. Both my siblings seem older than me now, I'm actually 8 and 9 years older. A few years ago I felt the same age as my sister, now she seems older. It's not only that I like and enjoy things that kids usually do, I feel mentally a lot younger than I am. That can be a bad thing when it comes to beeing able to do all the things that are expected of me. Even I expect me to be able to do and handle things that I can't do or handle. But at the same time I feel calm knowing that I will most likely never change that much. I find a lot of comfort in that, I don't like changes or changing.

When this whole investigation thing is over I'm going to make a post and/or a videoblog about it. I like talking about it, I think it's because it makes me understand myself even more.

hair hair hair

I am starting to become super sensitive to bleach now, YAY.... no, no fun. I'm alergic to most black dyes. I didn't manage to find one that I did get rashes from before I started to go back to pink. I got a lot of suggestions saying I should try henna, so that's an option.

But all from what I can and can´t have, I don't know what I want. I do know that I do not like having this almost shocking pink (I edited the photo to not look vibrant) that I have in my roots.
I'm trying to figure out which I feel is more "me". I thought making this picture would make the decision easier, it had the opposite effect.

At least I have something to figure out that doesn't make me feel like poop. So that is a good thing! This "problem" doesn't make me boil up with anxiety. I wish I could decide if I wanted black/brown or light pink in the morning, every day, without wigs. Just push a button and voila!

Sponge Out of Water

I was (still am) so excited when I saw this trailer a few weeks ago. I love Spongebob and The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie is one of my favourite movies! I'm going to see it at the movies in 3D. I can't wait. I don't think I can like it more than the first movie but I'm sure I will enjoy it a lot!
In Sweden it will be in theatre 28 november.

Some sort of recap videoblog.

The bullfighter dies, and nobody cries...

I had a lovely time at the concert, listening to Morrissey with my father. The sound was great too! I usually complain about the sound because I can never really hear the lyrics at conserts. But you could clearly hear his voice troughout the consert, it was amazing! I'm so happy that he managed to play in Stockholm.

Thumbs up for him standing up for the animals! I couldn't watch the video where they showed how awful so many animals have it before they become food. It's awful. But even though I know and I work towards becoming vegan (it's getting easier and easier every day with all the new alternatives in stores) a reminder is always good. Even though it hurts to be reminded. It's important!

On our way to the cencert.

The Starry Night road.

I just have to show you this beautiful solar-powered bicycle path that is glowing in the Netherlands.
 It's inspired by the painting abow, Van Gogh's the Starry Night. I've just recently started to enjoy this painting, or parts of it, I love the sky.

This road is so beautiful and it's located in Brabant where Van Gogh grew up.
(read more and source)


(Morrissey - One of Our Own)

Imorgon kommer min pappa och hälsar på. Vi ska se Morrissey, för andra gången tillsammans! Bilden ovan är faktiskt från när vi senast såg Morrissey på hulstfred 2011.
Jag hoppas att jag kommer må bra största delen av konserten, så jag också får njuta lite. Senast vi var iväg tillsammans, pappa och jag, så åkte vi och såg Depeche Mode. Då mådde jag inte heller så bra. Och denna gång ska jag komma ihåg att ta med (om jag hittar) mina öronproppar så jag hör något.

My dad is coming tomorrow. We're going to se Morrissey for the second time together!
The picture above is from when we saw him at hulstfred 2011.
I hope I will have an ok day tomorroe, so I will be able to enjoy the consert. Last time we went away together we saw Depeche Mode, I wasn't feeling to well at that time either. I will try to remember my earplugs this time, so I'll be able to hear anything this time. Everything tends to sound the same when it's loud and noisy.

En film om den svenska narkotikapolitiken.

Detta är något jag på senare tid blivit väldigt intresserad av och försöker involvera mig i. Sveriges usla narkotikapolitik. Jag kommer med stor säkerhet skriva en hel del om det. Men jag tänkte börja med att rekommendera er att kika på denna film. De förklarar hur vår narkotikapolitik ser ut och vad de tycker borde ändras. Det här är något som rör oss alla. Även om du själv inte brukar eller missbrukar droger så finns det runt omkring oss och förr eller senare kommer någon, om inte vi själva, någon i vår närhet (med största sannolikhet) drabbas.

Varför jag kommer skriva så mycket om detta nu handlar mycket om att jag själv trodde det skulle bli en förändring. Att våra politiker skulle börjat lyssna på fakta och forskning vid det här laget. Men igår läste jag rubriker (ska läsa dom lite noggrannare idag) till de motioner de skrivit. Ett flertal hade med drogtester i skolorna att göra. Nu tror jag att många av er som läser förstår varför detta är ett problem, för många av er går nog fortfarande i skolan, eller så gick ni nyligen i skolan. Jag tänker inte gå in mer på det i detta inlägg utan vill spara det till när jag läst lite mer. Men som sagt, jag rekommenderar er att se denna film.

This is a movie in Swedish about the Swedish politics about narcotics. We're still criminalising drug use, users and addicts in Sweden. Our politicians have now said that they want drug tests in schools. I'm going to write more about this later. For now I wanted to show this film for you who understand Swedish.

Back from my break?

Jag funderade på att börja blogga igen. Det finns så mycket som jag stänger inom mig just nu och ibland känns det som att jag ska sprängas. Det finns saker som jag läser och ser som jag nästan varje dag tänker att "jag måste skriv om det här, jag vill dela med mig". Men utan min blogg har jag inte kunnat göra det. Jag tänkte skriva och dela med mig av allt sådant, hur jag mår och hur den delen går. Sedan kommer det kanske bli en del andra saker också! Förmodligen blir det mer personligt än innan, jag tror dock inte någon annan märker av det än jag själv. Jag vet inte heller om jag ska orkar skriva på både svenska och engelska, eller hålla mig till engelska. Skulle vara trevligt om ni kunde svara vad ni tycker om det idag (vet att jag nog frågat någon gång för länge sedan).
Så, då skulle det förmodligen bli så att jag fokuserar på den engelska delen och att den svenska delen blir kortare (istället för tvärt om).

I was thinking about starting blogging again. There is so much that I keep inside of me that needs to get out, I almost feel like I'm going to explode at times. Things I read and see that I want to write about and share with others. I have no way to do that without my blog, no one really cares on my facebook (haha). It will probably be even more personal, but I doubt that too many will notice that (but I don't know).
Here is a picture of me with a beautiful swan. I want to go back to that time. Ugh, I have a problem with holding on to the past right now, just wanting to go back and stay there or fix things. Ok, this post was not meant for negative thoughts! I hope this will help me and that you will enjoy my blog!