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Investigation is over!

Yup, that was it. It went super quickly. My psychologist didn't feel she needed to know anything more inte order to set the diagnosis. I guess it was pretty obvious. So I got my diagnosis today, Autism. The model which they use at this healthcare center is the DSM-5 (if I'm not misstaken) and they don't have Asperger as a diagnosis anymore. If they did, that would have been my diagnosis.

I've heard many who had a lot longer instestigations, but I suppose it may depend on how dep into it you go. My psychologist said that she did not like to do just for the sake of doing. I agree with her. I will miss her because I really liked her, but I wil not miss going to this healthcare center. I don't want to go into detail on why, I probably will one day but not now. I will still go back next week to read everything she has written about me. It's about 5 A4 of information that will go in my journal, that I also will get a copy of whenever I need it in certain situations.

Today we went trough the test I had done. I got to know my IQ, at least according to this test and know what my strengths are. In some things I was waaaaay over average and in a few I was below average. This hit my pretty hard because it feels like a faliure. I want to score high, I want to do good and be great! But I noticed during the test that I'm really bad at some things. What I was really bad at (not really bad but below average) was describing de smiliraity between words. What I was really good at was building pictures with the blocks and adding the last symbol into a series of symbols. I got to know that I made one wrong answer on the series of symbols one, this also hit me wuite hard. I feel really bad about it. That last one was the hardest and she said she thought I was going to get the correct answer on it. Maybe I would have if I would have thought for a tiny bit longer, ugh, I'm a bit mad at myself. The time wasn't up, I could have looked at it for a little longer and gotten it right. I know this has nothing to do with the outcome of my diagnosis but I feel unintelligent for not getting it right. Hmm silly, silly, I wish things like this didn't bother me so much. I know I have gotten similar symbol questions like that one right before. HA, I'm really stuck on this. So angry with myself. I don't want to say what my IQ landed on because I'm ashamed of that too. It's a lot lower than I thought it was. I know that's because I have problems in some areas and are very gifted in others, but still. Even if you only counted the gifted parts it was lover than I wanted. Ugh I really have to find a way to let this go. Constant feeling of not feeling good enough. Blah. Ok enough of this.

I don't know what will happen now. I will go back on Tuesday to read trough everything. But after that? I have no idéa what I want to do with my life at the moment at all. I have ruled out working with anything that has to do with service, my psychologist strongly agrees with me. It makes me both understimulated because my brain needs to work more. I also get overstimulated because of the impressions from everything around me and having to be social, talking to people and process everything. So I'm still quite lost. I don't know if I will continue to be on sick leave or if I have to choose something to do now. I guess I should see someone who can help me understand what I "need", so I can adapt my surroundings after my needs. For you who don't know that is a pretty big part of this diagnosis, it's not an illness. There are no medication for the diagnosis itself but there are medication for it's side effects. Something you have to focus on is adapt your surroundings after yourself because if you adapt yourself after your surroundings, you usually end up feeling like a bag of poop. That's why I first had to go on sick leave, because of fatigue depression caused by me not beeing able to adapt. Oh this is turning into a long post, I'm going to round off now.

I shall write down my questions for my psychologist on Tuesday and then I will go for a run. So many questions that I have trouble putting into words, it's good I have the whole weekend to think!
This is my winter running jacket, I love it!

Investigation day 3

Sorry for the delay on this one. I was having my third meeting last Monday. At first when I got there we talked a little, I had four almost fully filled A4 that I had written with information. She wrote down somethings that I said that I had forgot to write down or mention before. I don't remember what it was, but it was significant to the investigation. She also brought me some tea, yum!

After a while we started with the test/exercises. Uhm... I don't remember exactly in what order we did everything but I'll try to remember best I can. I think we started with her saying numbers, for example 1 - 2 - 3 and then I was going to repeat them. After that she read more numbers but this time I was going to repeat them backwards. I did not like this exercise, my brain shut off and I couldn't really feel my body after a few numbers in. It felt like I was floating and I could not focus on what she was saying. I ten got to look at pictures, it was very similar to those kind of IQ test pictures you can do online for free. You have a set of boxes with symbols/pictures in them and one is missing, then you have a few symbols/pictures underneath and you are going to say which one is the missing one. I usually do really good at those but I don't think I did that great on this one. She said I did, but I don't know, if I had more than 2 wrong I'd say that was really bad. Another exercise we did was building a story. She pulled out some cards with pictures at random and I were to put them in the right order. Some of them were quite hard, or haha, I think it's hard when I don't get it right in 1 second. I didn't have trouble with it but still. I then got to do even another repeating numbers exercises, but this time it was with letters too. If she said 3 - 2 - b - a I was going to repeat them back in order, 2 -3 - a - b. It was the same with that one, my brain shut off and I started floating. BUT THEN, then I got to do something really fun! She gave me a piece of paper with lots of symbols on them. There were two symbols to the left and six (I think) symbols to the right and I was going to see if any of those two symbols were in the row to the right. There were a few pages with these and you checked a box with yes or no at the end of the line. I didn't manage to fill out the whole thing (all these things are timed) but it was still fun. I wish I would have been able to fill out the shole thing though, I would have felt pretty cool if I had!

That's about what we had time with. My mum and dad has now filled in one of those papers with questions and sent it back to my psychologist. They're going to have a phone "metting" or what I should call it, tomorrow talking about it. My psychologist said if what my mum has to say about when I was little doesn't differ too much from how I am today, then we might be done tomorrow already. But I'm not to sure about that. I was very different when I was younger from what I am today. But we'll see. I didn't think it would go this quickly, but She did have quite a lot to go on before I came to her. My other doctors and psychologist had written about this in my journals and I believe all my writing helped a bit too!

I'm now going back tomorrow, after the phone meeting/interview is done. I have no idéa what will happen next. I don't know if I will continue to be on sick leave, if I'm going to see other people at this place or anything. I must ask that tomorrow.

Me yesterday and Mew sleeping a few days ago.


Investigation day 2

Oh I'm very tired today. I went back to the psychologist early this morning, not that early I was there at 10am. Today was fun too! We started out with me having to point out the missing thing in pictures. That one was easy and fun! Or it felt easy, I'm not sure if I did well on it or not, I think I did. Then I had to explain what certain words meant, that was really hard. I can't even explain words I use on a daily basis but I did my best. The last six words were words I have never heard in my life! After that It was a really fun exercise or test, not sure what to call it really. It was a paper with numbers on a row, under every number there was a blanc box. At the top of the page 1-9 were listed with a different symbol for each. I filled in the blanc boxes with the right symbols. My psychologist then turned the page and I had to fill out two rows without seeing what symbol went with which number. It was super easy and I filled them all. She was very surprised how quickly I did it and said that she had never seen anyone do that before. I felt really cool! But then I had to say what made two things similar. For example how is a boat and a car similar to eachother and how is love and hate similar to eachother. At the time I could not answer the love and hate question, but when I told my mum I got it, they are both feelings. I think that's the right answer. When I was done with that I got to build with blocks. I first had four and after that nine, I got to look at a picture and build the same pattern with the blocks as the picture showed. That one was really fun too and I was really good at it. The last exercise/test we did was math. I had to listen to the math questions and solve them in my head. I have not done that in a long time, so it felt hard but she said I did really well on that one too.

I think today was to find my strenghts and what I'm maybe not so great at. We did not have time to finish everything but I will go back on monday and continue. I brought a paper where I had written down a bunch of things that I remembered I should have told her when I got home. I wasn't sure if she would appreciate it, but she did! She told me twice after that that if I thought of more things that I should write it down and bring to her. That felt really good, I wasn't sure if it was a good thing to do or not. So now I have written down a whole A4 with more things, or not things I explain very well what I mean so it's not that many different things. The last paper was over one and a half A4. I think I've written down most things now.

Next week I will have at least one more appointment and my psychologist also have a phone appoitment with my mum. They're going to talk about me when I was around 5-12. My mum will get some papers to fill before the "interview". I hope I will get to know how that part went or see the paper(s) my mum is going to fill out later, it's a bit fun! I hope I will get to fill even more forms, it's so much fun. Even though some of the questions are really hard and I have to write a lot about the answer chose. Now I'm very tired, extra tired, I've been tired all day. I think it might be from the exercises/tests but I'm not sure. I'm still heading out for a walk now, fighting my tiredness everyday!

Damien and me.

Sometimes Damien likes to cuddle with me!

Investigetion day 1

I started my investigation for Autistic Spectrum Disorder and ADHD/ADD today. I wasn't sure if it was going to be for both but now in the very beginning I got some papers to fill up and it said adhd and add on them so yepp. Although this time I was very welcome to write comments after the questions and not only fill in a box. The psychologist I have now seems really kind, caring and proffessional. I got the feeling that she knows a lot more than my last one. It felt really good beeing able to specify my answers to the questions because sometimes I feel that just circling a number or puting an x in a box is not enough most of the time. Some questions even have two questions in them so I had to give two different answers because they did not go hand in hand for me. My last psychologist didn't even try to listen to me when I had difficulties filling out those things. She wanted the one answer and the one answer only.

Today we just talked. I said everything I had said to the other people I have met there already. But she asked me more difficult questions. For example, if I could compare feelings to my anxiety and other things. She also said I don't seem depressed. Right now I don't feel depressed either, this is so wierd. Today I feel really good, still a bit slow an not very up and about, but I don't feel down. I see that as a good thing of course, even though it aslo scares me a little when I'm not a huge fan of changes. Even good ones are tough sometimes.

She asked me when I had time to come back and I said I wanted to come back as soon as I could. SO I'm going back tomorrow already! She said I was going to sit at her table and do some tests. Not these papers I got home with me today, where I circle numbers or put x in boxes. This was going to be something else. I'm a bit excited. I liked a lot, she was so kind, listened and didn't interupt me. I think we were going to book new upcoming appointments tomorrow too. That would be nice, to have all days booked instead of booking a new appointment everytime I'm there.

Not from today but a very pretty picture of me and Mew he he heheheheh.

I am sitting too much.



I've been sitt and laying around most of the days for very long now. Even though I have gotten things done and have been fighting to get back to normal I have still had too much time doing stuff while sitting down and have not thought about it. A few weeks ago I started noticing how my body started to change in an odd way. Not that I just gained weight, which I ofcourse have done since I have not been moving much. But even before when I didn't move too much, I was still up and about every now and then and my body still felt normal most of the time. This made me understand that it was not all in my head. I'm now going to focus on not sitting down too much. It's easier said and done when you're just at home most of the time. But I will go out and explore nature now. I have no excuses not too, because even if I feel that I don't have the energy, I know I have too and I want to and I will! I've started ti build up a little adventure kit with tools and stuff. I still need a good adventure bag though. But that will come when I find the right one. I don't need it to go out, haha.
   


I want to say thank you to these guys for posting this video, it came when I needed it!

Today I feel good.

I usually feel really, really bad on mondays, because of these appointments I have at the health care place. But today I feel really good. Everything went so well and it lifts me up. I haven't told you here but I know many of you probably know that I've finally gotten an appointment to start my investigation for autistic spectrum disorder. ON WEDNESDAY! THIS WEDNESDAY! I feel happy about that today. Yesterday and all the days before that I couldn't really feel anything for it, even though I have been fighting to get trough horrible appointments to get here. I actually feel excited right now.

The last two weeks my friend Mixi has been living with me, or visiting me. But it feels like she's living here because we've spent so much time together. She's leaving tomorrow, I don't really want that. Even if we only sit on the sofa with the tv on and look at our phone screens I really enjoy her company. None of us have that much energy to do anything else. But we have gone food shopping a couple of times and I have started to run again. Or, I have been our on one run and one walk so far, but I just started. This year I have set some things I would like to stick to, no goals, but a list that I will do my very best to follow. It's short so I'll share it:
  • Run at least 3 times a week.
  • Muscle exercises at least 2 times a week.
  • Do my makeup at least 3 times a week.
If I reach these rumbers, great! If I reach over them (especially the exercising part), awesome! If I don't reach them but did my very best, then that is great too! I feel no preassure from it so far and if I start to feel preassure, I will just change it.
The makeup thing is because I recently discovered that I've started to dislike how I look without makeup. But when I have days when I wear makeup, I like how I look when I wash it off. I think I might need that variation or something, I don't know I'm not going to put that much thought into it now.

I also need to figure out my hair situation. I think it only bothers me to much because my overall mental health is not that well. I would usually just do whatever, but it feels so big now. Not knowing what to do. I'm still debating on brushing out my dreads. In the beginning I felt so myself in them and so comfortable. But then all this cultural appropriation came from left and right. It was pretty new to me when I first got them, but still asked the only firned I have who had a say in it and the one who I respect the most didn't even know what I was going on about and said she thought it was awesome. Anyway, it has now gotten into a huge negative spiral in my head and I don't know if I can keep them anymore. I don't dare to feel comfortable in them anymore because I feel I'm not allowed to wear my hair this way because I'm white. It don't think it matters what anyone says about this topic anymore, I've even had anxiety attacks because I feel like a really bad person. I've tried to talk and discuss the topic with people who bring it up but I just get yelled at for beeing stupid when I don't understand what it says in the links they provide. I've never been able to discuss it or really talk about it with anyone because I just get linked stuff and if I don't understand that well I'm blinded by my privilige and that's that. So I now often feel ver ashamed for beeing white and wearing dreads. I just want to let this whole thing go, but when I try to I think back on how stupid I was to get my sidecuts, if I hadn't it would be a lot easier to brush everything out and just leave this whole thing behind. I now see myself as a shitty little white shit who complains about something super silly as a way to wear your hair. I also feel very stupid for getting them in the first place because, everything. Bleh. I often wish I never had gotten them and had just left my hair for what it was before. I try to tell myself all the time that "it's just hair, it'll grow back, it doesn't matter". Sometimes I do listen, but most of the time I just feel stupid. I don't want to feel stupid!

I'm going to eat breakfast now. I was going to do that over an hour ago, but I got stuck here and in my thoughts and then this hair issue came up and... Negative spiral. I'll try to leave that an focus on breakfast and happy thoughs, I was feeling really good and I will get back to that!



Guacamole recipe!



I made guacamole for the first time ever today! 
I usually just buy the pre made, unhealthy guacamole when I want it. But today i thought NO MORE! So I checked some recipes online and realized how easy it was to make your own. You don't need much stuff at all. Specially not me when I don't like a lot of spices and extra ingredients in my food. I decided to give it a try and it turn out really good! So here is my recipe on guacamole!


Rotopia 2.0

If you like Minecraft, my fiancé runs a youtube channel with minecraft content and he just released a new world tour and world download for his let's play map. If you download the map you should also download and use his costumized John Smiths resource Pack: http://goo.gl/Ggyw2c, to make the map look the way it should.

You can download the map here: http://goo.gl/5Q3PSS. The intro in the video below shows a new addition to the world which is a quest/adventure feature. To finish the quest you'll have to solve seven riddles, travel to seven different locations and find seven magical sculls.

He has put a lot of work into this world, 700+ hours in game time and it's all done in single player survival hard mode.

Musikhjälpen against spreding of HIV

If you were planning on donating money (you need a Swedish cell phone number) and also believe in a decriminalisation of cannabis, or that Swedens narcoticpolitics are crapdonate in this groups name! All money goes to help stop the spreading of HIV!

There has been a lot of negative things written about the facebook group "Avkriminalisera cannabis" (translated to "Decriminalize cannabis") lately. Why? Because the group decided to use the groups name when donating money to Musikhjälpen to help stop the spreading of HIV. Most groups who start a donation to Musikhjälpen puts their groups name on the donation. But just because of the name it was seen as a cup to spread the word about the decriminalization instead of HIV. In the beginning they almost forced the group to change them name or they would remove all the donations, even though they had the same name last year. So what is different from last year? From last year until now the group has grown a lot and was able to donate a lot more money this year. Many groups choose to put their names on the donationbanks (not sure what to call them) to get some sort of attention, media has made it sound as if it's something only avkriminalisera cannabis has done.

Once again media wants to censor. I have already donated money in the groups name and will do so again before the time is up later today (not sure about what time, I couldn't find information about that).

This group have actually set the record for most money donated to Musikhjälpen trough the donationbanks ever! 


hurt

I was going to write here how proud I was over myself today. But I just had a really, really bad anxiety attack, or still sort of am. I haven't been able to stop crying yet but I am in control over my body, so I'm not hitting things or myself anymore. I just got the first comment on my blog that really got to me and I guess this is why I stoppped blogging. I can't handle it sometimes. It was about Spock and I still haven't been able to not blame myself for what happened. That I got so ill that I coudln't take care of my baby :( I miss him so much. I feel so horrible when I think if him because so many have put the blame on me, for beeing such a bad person for having him and then having to give him up. I wish with all my heart that he was here with me now and that I could manage to take care of him. It's not that I didn't know how much work it would be, I knew, both Roberto and I knew. But I got so sick and we didn't want him to suffer because of me. He was to young to be able to handle me getting so sick. I couldn't walk without having trouble to breathe, those problems are gone now but I had them for quite some time after Spock left. + there are more to this than what I want to write for everyone to read, I guess that's something that is easily forgotten.

I don't even know what I have written now. I don't really know what I answered to that comment either. ugh I'm so empty and sweaty now. I was having such a good day, I managed to go into down and get some mulled wine and Roberto and I was going to have such a cosy evening when he got home from work. I don't know if I'm up for that anymore. Hopefully I'll be able to calm down completely and let this go for today. I know Spock is having it so amazingly great with his new family. Even though I wish more than ever that he was still here with me. I want to stop blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault and I want it to stop hurting.

update:
I've started to calm down comletly now. I'm happy and proud that I managed to go into town and buy mulle wine. I'm mostly proud that I even got out of the apartment! Roberto will be home soon and we'll have pizza! Yum yum yum! No more blaming myself for putting Spocks needs before my own.

Here are some pictures from earlier today when I was happy with Mew. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Pygmy goat!

So cute, I wish I lived on the country side so I too could have a goat (and lots of other animals too)!

New green smothie recipe.

This is my first green smoothie in a very long time. I did a little bit of experimenting. I put in some hemp seeds and broccoli along with what I usually use. It turned out lovely! 

As I wrote earlier I went shopping yesterday and only bought a bunch of organic vegetables for this. Even though I don't have a lot of money to spend on food I want what I get to be as good for me as possible. Not saying I don't eat junk, I do haha, but I think you understand what I mean. I haven't found organic mango yet, or not frozen. But I will start to do my smoothies from whatever organic things are avalible for my wallet from now on!


throwback

Yepp, this is me. I'm pretty sure I was 15 here. not 100% sure, I may have been 16. It's 8-9 years ago. Baaah, I was 16 yesterday...




No sleep and lots of sleep.

I was just up for 2 days straight, sort of, I slept about 2-3 hours. So that I would get my regular sleep rythm back. Do you think that worked? NO. I fell asleep aroun 9pm yesterday and slept until 11.30am today. I will make a new try going to bed early today and once again put my alarm on 8am! I believe it will make me feel a little better getting back to that. But, what I noticed when I was staying up so long, that actuall made me feel better. Becuse I did not have to start a new day. But, but, but... This morning it doesn't feel that bad waking up either, so I guess if I can wake up early and feel the same as if when I'm up for two days, that would be great!

I really do feel better today. It feels a bit odd, good odd.

I went shopping yesterday and bought a bunch of organic fruit and vegetables. I was thinking to start with those huge green smoothies for breakfast again. It's the only vegan breakfast I can come up with that I like, other than unhealthy ones. I also threw alot of old food away from the freezer. It was food I didn't know was old but it said that the best for date was years ago. Ha, I don't know if that's bad to eat or not, but it was food I would never eat and I needed the space in there. I will now be btter not to try so many new things. That's why I throw away food, because I try to do as people tell me and try new foods because "you will find something you like". Yeh.. no. I will now only buy new things to try when I have a feeling that I actually will like it, or at least so much that I will eat it and not throw it away.

I don't know why I used to listen to people who told me that. I know that I only like a few things and I'm very happy with that. Hmm maybe because its said to be unhealthy to eat the same food almost every single day for months in a row (weeks at its minimum). When I posted recipies etc, I tried really hard to come up with things, when I would rather eat the same old foods I always do. It was mainly because I was trying to be healthy with my foods in a very (for me) difficult way. I now just change the unhealthy alternative in the foods I already like to a healthier one. I feel it works a lot better for me! I will make a video with my top foods, I think I will be able to put everything I eat on that list. Maybe i should call it "the only foods I like", or something, it will be quite short.

I don't have a photo of the foods or the freezer, so here is a photo of me and Roberto!

FOTD: comfortable.

Brows
"coffee" eye pencil and "blacktrack" fluidline
studio sculpt foundation (to define brows)

Eyes
"quarry", "sketch" and "blanc type" eyeshadows
"smolder" eye pencil and "blacktrack" fluidline

Eyelashes
not 100% sure but they are from Manic Panic and I think they're called Paris Paris

Lips
"smolder" eye pencil and "blacktrack" fluidline

Face
mineralize pressed powder
"blacktrack" fluidline

Everything is from MAC except lashes.





Offended

I want to share this post that my body modification artist, Chai, wrote yesterday, can also be found on Calms blog: www.calmbodymod.com/blog. I'm getting more and more sick and tired of not only TV4 (a television channel in Sweden) but also our radio stations and other television channels. I've recently started to see that they are far from as great, neutral and caring as most people seem to think. I will not rant about that, I'd say ,read his story down below. 

Pictures from Miss Button's Jewelry and Chai's instagram.




Ok.. Let the rant begin... Since I have a lot of non-Swedish-speaking-friends I'll keep this in English.

PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE POST BEFORE YOU CHOSE TO SHARE.

I performed two RFID-implants live on Nyhetsmorgon on Swedish TV4 early this morning. It was a blast and everyone was super nice and humble. I got extremely well taken care of by everyone in the building but especially by the show hosts, make-up artists, producers and assistants. I arrived with a smile and I left with a bigger smile.

As many of you know I've chosen to follow Buddhism as a religious view and have been raised with Buddhist views of life from my loving mother who's from Thailand. I have also chosen to have the sacred swastika tattooed on my throat "guarded" by two Buddhas that are placed on both sides of my neck. A sacred symbol of LOVE, LIFE, LUCK and LIGHT. This, of course, created a shitstorm from the viewers. It's ok. I can take that as long as I can have a say. I was given the opportunity to explain my beliefs after an intermission of the show. I gladly accepted as I, as usual, saw this as a golden opportunity to educate those who has the belief that the swastika (which isn't a German word that many believe, but a Sanskrit word) was created by the nazis.

After I had explained my views live on tv it was time for me to leave the show and continue on with my day but only after they'd set up an interviewer and a cameraman outside the studio. They wanted a longer conversation about me and my use of the swastika to post on their webcast online. They wanted the interview to refer to if other viewers found themselves upset and in need of more answers. Great idea according to me! When I was done they escorted me out of the building and had a taxi waiting for me. I felt like a VIP!

This is where my disappointment begun...

As soon as I stepped in to my apartment I found out that that TV4 had removed everything from the web and had apologized to the public for having me in their show. THEY APOLOGIZED TO THE PUBLIC FOR HAVING ME ON THE SHOW!!! I've never felt so violated, offended and sad ever before. Because of people's ignorance of history beyond 70 years ago I have to be stepped on PUBLICLY by one of the biggest broadcasting networks in Sweden. I expected more from TV4. You allowed the nazis to win. Don't you see that? Instead of actually stand your ground and display facts you chose to let uneducated people in this wonderful country to let the nazis win. Degrading and pathetic behavior! How about standing up for the more than 600 million people who still view the swastika, and has been for 3500 years, as the beautiful symbol that it is. Yes, it was stolen by an awful person during a dark period of Europe's history but given what it has been for a LONG period before those dark times, isn't it about time to take it back? Reclaim it? But no... You gave in to the mob created by a faulty educational system. That's what you did. You took a piss on my religion without hesitation. You chose to offend me deeply.

I doubt that this rant will have an effect but at least I let my voice be heard. I am a proud Buddhist and I won't apologize my beliefs. I am a body modification artist and if someone, someday comes up with an idea on how to implant spines in those who obviously lack them I will gladly offer the procedure for free.

That's what I had to say.

Your move, Anders Edholm (Press Officer for TV4 Nyhetsmorgon).

To all of you amazing people in my realm that has supported me (A HUGE THANK YOU!) by sharing your thoughts about this issue all over social media please contact TV4 if you feel that you can spend the energy. They need to know what they've done. What prevents them of stepping on your religion next?

Love and light! ❤️
 

My fav hoodies!




Direct links 


I often get asked where I get my hoodies that are high in neck and goes over my hips. I have three different ones, two black ones and one white. Two of them are another model but one of them are in the model on the picture above! Sadly I don't think you can order to other countries than Sweden, Norway, Finland, Denmark or Germany (that's the flags I see on the bottom of their page). I love this kind of model on hoodies. The only thing that would make them better is if the hood was bigger. I must give my thumbs up for the hood anyways because it's not so small that you can't use it!

thank you

I just want to thank you for all your kind words. I was expecting a lot of mean comments. I have not gotten one yet. Why I thought I would be getting mean ones is because I've been accused in the past for facing my illness and this was a very light build up. Or for me it is. I have no idea how others have it and don't mean to say that it's not hard if you have even lighter build ups (or what to call them) than I had in that video. It's so different from person to person. However since I only really know how it is for me I almost felt a bit silly. I did get a smaller attack later on, but it was over pretty quickly and I could go on with my day. My friend Charlie was going to come over (a part of why everthing felt so stressfull etc that day), he still cam and we baked, drank mulled wine and danced the dance game! We had a lot of fun!

I also want to thank Emilia (who I can't link to), who gave me the link to the health care guarantee. I knew I had read somewhere that I should get my investigation in THREE months tops. But I couldn't remember where. I think I read it in a forum or something. This means I have the right to start my invesstigation in a little less than two months. And not wait SIX months. I might be shipped of to new place, I don't really want that because I like the people at the place where I am now. But I still don't want to wait six more months. I feel so locked. I can't do a lot of things that I would like to do. Now I'm also scared about not beeing able to go on my abroad trip (that is booked and payed for). I really, really hope I can because last time it gave me a lot of strength to go someplace new, rest and work out. Now I don't think this place we're going is one of those hotels with exercise programs etc. But I will snorkle and bring my running shoes!

Thank you again everyone, also for beeing so understanding. I feel so bad and build up anxiety whenever I can't do things I've said I'm going to do. Like that video. I also build up anxiety when I can't or don't have anything to update my blog with. I think that's why I stoped blogging in the first place. I'm doing my best not to let it build up because of that though. I'm trying to tell myself that it's ok not updating everyday. I hope I'm getting there!

Unsuccessful...


You can keep adding questions under this blogpost: http://yesterdaysvomit.blogspot.se/2014/12/q-video.html?showComment=1417745880057#c7207261677154787631 So sorry about this..
(don't worry about me, I'm fine and I did manage to calm down and I didn't even start drying. I'm a bit surprised and proud)




Q&A video

I'm planning on making a Q&A video. So if you have any questions for me it would be awesome if you would leave them (or it) in a comment under this blogpost. Depending on how many questions I get I was thinking about making more than one video. I guess I'll start of with a mix and then make more specific ones. You know, put them into different categories! I'm hoping to be able to make a video tomorrow already, if I don't get enough questions I'll just make a vlog instead ^--^


Chandelier, homade version.



Or else you will create a shot for shot, homemade version of the music video for Sia's "Chandelier."


This is great! I don't even know if I can believe that this was a bet and not staged. I mean, he's I think he's really good! Not really what I expect from someone doing a dare for losing a bet!

Sci-fi conventions shopping!

A few days ago I was at the Sci-fi convetnion with Roberto. It didn't go very well, but I did do some shopping! Here is all the things I got (except form some candy)!

This lovely Adventure Time cup! Both Roberto and I have a thing for cups right now. I got one with the Joker at gamex/comic con, Roberto got a Stormtrooper one there and a Guardians of the Galaxy at this convention. I really like this one because there is so much happening and I can sit for a long time making up stories about what's happening. I usually don't like to buy things with a lot of colors but I do make exceptions when it feels right. This didn't feel 100% right but I really like the picture so I thought that I would give it a chance!
 

This Decepticons usb memory and the Joker coaster! The usb was quite heavy, I didn't get it because it was a memory stick but because I like the decepticons logo and how it felt when I held it. Since it was a bit heavier (metal not plastic) I enjoyed holding it. I am pretty attatched to it. I will fill it with things I love! The Joker is one of my favourite characters, so I got pretty excited when I found a coaster with him that I liked! The cup I got at gamex/comic con (which I got from the same guy) matches really well with this coaster.






This Spock action figure and Transformer discs! I'm not going to write about Spock because this figure is the main reason why the visit to the convention got so messed up. Hopefully I will be over it soon so I will be able to look at it without getting feelings of anxiety bubbling up again. After getting these discs I would like to have the Soundwave figure that goes with them, or they go with Soundwave. You can put them into the Soundwave figure and shoot them out! I hope I will find it and not think it's too expensive. I didn't get them so I could put them into soundwave but because of how they look when you put them together. I'm going to keep the left one (on the bottom picture) in my bag. I like to keep things with me that I'm attatched to, it helps me when I start to get feelings of anxiety etc.



This lovely Star Trek poster! Maybe you've seen the posters I have up on Captain Kirk and Spock beside our TV. I got this one from the same guy. I will frame this one before I put it up though. Ohh that reminds me, I should save up money so I can frame the big Spock and Kirk posters too. I put them up with duct tape, so I will have to cut them of the wall with the tape still attached to them if I don't want to break them.

Kitty Pillow!

My last post was quite negative, although that's how I feel most of the time I do keep on doing my best to be postivite. I also want to write about the positive things that happened today! Or some of it.

I did manage to go to th surgeon, last time I had a panic attack and couldn't go. I  almost got one this time, but Roberto could go with me this time and that helped a lot. Everything went great there too, he didn't find anything that showed something bad from the operation, woho! Although he suggested me to go back to my other doctor and have what I brought up checked out. 

I did film a video today, TWICE! The first time around I was on my balcony, the sound was really bad so I had to do it all over again. I wasn't going to because I was starting to feel so down, but I did it anyways and I'm pretty proud that I did! I also cut the whole thing together and posted it.

Then Roberto asked if I wanted bruger and fries from a lovely little local burger place. So we had an amazing dinner and watched Wall-e. I love Wall-e, I want to be him with his little backpack and collect treasures! He (Roberto) also got me a present, it was a kitty pillow. It is supercute and I love it. He had named hir Puffsie ( he calls me Puffen, or the puff in English). I also had a lot of home made fudge that my mum made, yum yum. Although I have that everyday. But I think I ate the last today, so, no more fudge u__u; 

I don't know if I should play Pokémon or watch a movie now. I must rest and shut off my brain for a while. See you tomorrow!


I don't really care if I'm getting more sick...

This might be a "way to much information" post. About physical end mental illness and issues. Quite negative too, just so you know.

Tomorrow I'll be going to my doctor, again... I was at my surgeon today for my check up (many months later than it should have been due to stuff), he said that everything looked great and the swelling and soreness was not from any complications from the surgery. Which is good, as long as it's not anything worse. He suggested it may be hormonal imbalance. It sounds beliveble to me, I've read up on it and it can fit.

My tongue is also starting to swell up, I just talked to my mum and she thought I sounded ill, but it's just my tounge that is getting big. I also have these really wierd spots on it. I'vre tried to google it but nothing comes up that looks like it. The swelling could be because of hormonal imbalance too, but those wierds spots. Uhmmm... The ones that look most similare are the ones that turns out to be cancer, but it's still quite far from what mine looks like. I would take a picture haha but I don't think anyone would like to see that. People seem to think that kind of stuff is gross.

I've started to feel feverish, but I don't have fever, or I have fever according to me and my normal temperature, but not according to doctors. I get exhausted from walking up short hills or stairs, but I can dance quite a lot wihout getting tired. I also stink, I can't even wash off the smell, it's crazy. Once again hormonal imbalance could be the cause of it. But uh. I care less and less every day. I feel that a part of me even wish this is something serious so that I will get some help for something instead of just sitting around waiting...

I got a message today saying how long the waiting list is to get the investigation. It jut made me cry. It may not sound that much when I tell you, it's 6 months. But I'll explain why I took this they way I did (or am, I'm still really down about this).
When I got sent to this new place where I am right now and where my investigation for Autistic Spectrum Disorder is going to take place I got put on sickleave until Febuary. The way I understood that doctor (not my usual one), was that the investigation would most likely be over and done by then. When I started to go there, met a new doctor, a nurse and left som blood samples and such I asked how long it was going to take for the investigation to start. I then got the answer that "after you have started to leave tests it doesn't take long". So I thought, that meant 3 months, tops. I also got put on a priority list (which I have no hopes for at all at the moment), that made me think it could take only 1-2 months before we got started.
I've had this whole idéa built up that I would be done with this before my birthday. Now it looks like I will not even have begun before my birthday. When these sort of things happens my whole world sort of collpases. I had this thing all figured out, how it was going to go, I even put on extra months so I wouldn't get to where I am right now. Because I know that I get like this and I do my best to avoid it. But then this happened and I feel that I don't even want to do this anymore.

I can't really go anywhere either. Because I have appointments at this place once a week. I wish I could just go away and stay with my parents for a while. But no. I oculd for about a week. I will go and visit, but I just feel locked to waiting. I know that's in my imagination but it's very hard to break free from.

I've been on sick leave for more or less 1 and a half year now. At first I thought I was going back pretty soon. Now I know that's highly unlikely. Then in the begining of this summer I got an appointment to a psychologist, I thought that's when my investigation started. Turned out that was not the case. It was some sort of "before investigation" thing, I think. Then she sent me forward to another place (where I am now) and, everything goes so slowly and I feel as if I'm standing still just waiting whie nothing is happening.

So, tomorrow I'll be going back to my doctor. I was there last friday to check up on the swelling in my breasts (I did mention this a little earlier), she didn't find anything then. So that's good, I hope. But I forgot about my tongue and now when it has started to swell up and look even worse I have to go back. Internet told me so haha. A nurse I called for guidence also told me to go to my doctor as soon as possible so, mjeh, going back. Hopefully I'll know more about what's going on tomorrow.

Roligaprylar.se, julklappstips haul!

This video is in Swedish

Här kommer lite roliga julklappstips från RoligaPrylar.se. Alla olika saker ligger på under 200kr, julklappar behöver inte vara dyra för att vara bra!