I got this awesome tshirt from http://www.tibbsandbones.com/!
I also got two black tattoo chokers, a pink and a multi colored one. I can't remember where I put the pink, it's the coolest of them all!
I know I will not be able to make myself feel 100% awesome but I believe I can't snap out of some parts of it. Since I'm mostly down about Spock. I keep thinking about how much I want him here with me, but then I think about how much better he's having it now and I feel better.
So, I'm making a sort of to do list. But one that I shall follow every single day. Or almost. It's just simple things (that aren't always that simple).
- Putting on makeup (at least brows and mascara, I can do it!).
- Brushing my teeth.
- Eat brakfast.
- Eat lunch.
- Eat dinner.
- Drink water.
- Remember to take my medicine troughout the day.
- Go for a walk (even if it's just a short one sometimes).
Men jag kämpar på. Jag jobbar lite med blogg osv på dagarna även om det inte märks. Jag planerar lite för hur jag ska göra när jag börjar må bättre, eller bara när jag orkar. Och även mitt projekt, den alternativa modell sidan kan man kanske kalla det. Jag måste snart söka efter någon jag kan starta upp det med. Någon som vill planera det med mig och brinner för det. Jag kommer lägga upp en inlägg snart med hur en ansökan skulle gå till. Så jag ber er att vänta med frågor tills det kommit upp.
I did my makeup for the first time in almost two weeks two days ago. I'm not in the best place right now and I do not really take care of myself. But I'll keep fighting.
I might have mentioned this but I got a letter the other day saying that I will soon be called to a meeting at the psychiatric ward. They're going to dig a bit deeper into me, mainly to see if I might be bipolar. It feels good that something is happening again.
I work a little, sort of. During the days. I plan my project and blog even if you don't notice. I will soon put up an application for someone who wants to be my friend and start up this site with me. More information will come, please save your questions until then.
Roberto and I thought very long about this. My dog plans started long before I got ill. I do not write everythin here.
We where capable of taking care of Spock and we knew a lot about the breed. We also made friends with people who wanted to help us and knew about the breed before we knew who Spock was.
Roberto fell ill and I even more so. And even though this happened we faught to take good care of Spock. But after a couple of weeks you could tell that Spock often wasn’t happy either. Or isn’t.
He will only get problems if he stays with us.
I wish this was a dream. I’ve been crying on and off every day since we took this decission. I’ve kept debating if we in some way could do this. But we can’t. Not if we want to do what is best for Spock.
I’ve been able to keep up with it pretty good at times. But it’s so hard. It pulls me and Roberto apart from eachother and now when I have such a hard time breathing everything is getting ten times worse.
I can’t stop crying. I feel like the worst person in the whole universe. Why did I think this could work :( Why didn’t I realized I’m way to fucked up to take care of a puppy.
I don’t know. I just. I know everything will be better for us all but it still hurts so bad :(
I'm going to miss him so much :(
|Mermaid - Matrix - Donuts|
Poprageous skickade leggings till mig som jag fick välja. Jag har velat ha ett par Matrix leggings väldigt
länge nu, så det var såklart mitt förstahands val. De är väldigt mjuka och stretchiga, jag kan bara jämföra med Black Milk då de är det ända märket jag har liknande leggings från och jag tycker Poprageous är mycket bekvämare. Jag kan tycka att Black Milks är lite svår att få över fötterna och att de har lite hårt waistband.
Jag brukar gilla att rulla ner mina leggings ibland så de inte sitter så högt, så jag vill gärna ha ett mjukt band i midjan. Som ni ser så trycker det in lite, men som det brukar se ut på mig så är detta väldigt lite.
Mermaid leggingsarna älskar jag också för att de skimrar i olika färger, holografiska ^---^
Och donuts leggingsarna var bara så fina, dock passar det mig tyvärr inte i längden. Så istället för att strula med att skicka tillbaka så tänkte jag ha en liten tävling som kommer upp snart, då ni kan vinna dom!
Poprageous sent me some leggings. I like them a lot. Specially the Matrix inspired ones. I've been wanting a pair like that for quite some time now!
Compared to Black Milk, Poprageous leggings are (according to me) more comfortable. I can move a lot more and the waistband isn't too tight. I like to fold it down (see last picture) and usually I get a love handle like that times two or three in other leggings.
I really like the mermaid ones as well. Specially since they are holographic. I feel like I can wear them with anything ^---^
Sadly the donuts ones were to short for me. BUT instead of sending them back I will have a contest soon where YOU can win them! A lot more fun then sending them back so I can get new ones, right!
I read about someone who used to workout before they got the same problems as I have. So just as me they stopped (I stopped before but I feel that I can't start because of my breathing problems). I kept reading about this person because we were a bit alike. They said that, obviously, you should out yourself in these hard situations. Ugh, I wish I knew why I felt this way. It would be easier if I knew the reasons(s) for this problem.
My plan now is to do my best to relax. I don't know if this is why I can't breathe. So, I was thinking that I must go to the doctor again and let them take all the tests they need to see that it's nothing serious, physically. And if it is my anxiety, I will start running again, in very small doses. KBT, not sure what it's called in English. It's when you face your fears in order to work past them. Running and exercising is the only one I can think of now. Because I think I will faint if I start running. Instead I just sit in my sofa and eat ice-cream. HA almost the opposite...
What I wanted to ask was if you've had the same, or similar problem. What did you do to get well again?
I can't really do anything right now. Even blogging is hard :(
I can't get enough air in my lungs. I keep gasping for air.
I have had a very long day today. I woke up around 8 am (a few minutes before), woke up, put on clothes, did not care about hair or makeup, on with a hood and sunglasses, tried to find something that I could eat and then I was on my way to my doctor. I did not have an appointment so I went on drop-in. I was pretty exhausted when I got there after a 30min subway ride.
I sat down in one of the cornes of the room and the corner of the sofa. I was almost shaking a bit because it was hard sitting in the waiting room with so many people. There aren't usually a lot of people in this waiting room but today it was and I did not enjoy it at all. I can go out and ride the subway almost without problems now, but some situations are still hard.
As I sat there I listened to the personal who told patients where to go. I thought they said my doctor was full. That she couldn't take more appointments. I almost went into panic mode but I managed to calm down until it was my turn. She did have time for me! PUH!
I sat in the waiting room for only 5-10 minutes before she went to get me. When we got to her room she asked me how I was. I answered that I'm feeling like shit shitty crap crap, but I worded it better ha. SO she asked why and I started explaining about my breathing problems, appetite issues, stomach troubles. It was what we thought all along, gastritis. So I got some medication for that.
I also told her about how my panicattacks had gotten worse and that I've been a mix of hyper and depressed the last two or so, weeks. She listened to my heart and took my pulse. I think it was 99/69 or something like that 99/61 maybe. Hmm. Not sure if that was it. I didn't ask.
She asked if I had lost weight. For the first time ever I answered yes to this question. Not a fun yes. It's because I've not gotten enought nutritians or calories for so long now. My body usually holds on to everything, I guess that is because I am so small. So when I don't eat, I usually don't loose any weight at all. So this is a bit scary. It's not as if I have been eating well and working out. Although I have not lost a lot and I'm not down under any weight I've ever been when I've been healthy. But yeh, this still isn't healthy I know. I'm working really hard on eating even though my body screams no. I think a huge part of why I've gotten worse is because of the gastritis, I can't eat well so both my body and brain must suffer.
After I had told her that she gave me my new papers for my sick leave. Also a paper on our next appointment.
I was really nervous but I told her, I said what you have told and asked me about bipolar, I told her about what my mum friends had said about it and what I thought about it. I also told her that I'm 100% sure I also suffer (really bad) from dermatillomani. She then told me she had thought alot about me beeing bipolar too.
She then wrote a refferal to something or someone I don't remember to investigate if I might be bipolar.
I'm nervous but it feels pretty good. Because even if I'm not bipolar, we will be one step closer to find out how to best treat this, whatever it is.
If you have ANY questions about how I feel mentally or anything about what's going on, don't be afraid to ask. I am (as you can read) very open about this. I hope I can help others by telling my story!
I hope you're all having a wonderful day. I want to write the rest of my day but I am too tired. I did a lot of stuff after this too. I will tell you all about that tomorrow. I just wanted to vent a bit and let you all know that I'm doing ok :)
Also thank you for all the support you give me! It does make it a lot easier <3
I can't even begin to say how happy this song makes me! The text is wonderful, it's on Swedish though. I might put some time on translating it for you just because it's hilarious :D Or... It is in Swedish, it can be pretty wierd when translated ha :D We'll see ^-^
Sooooo I'm still sick... nag nag. But I'm still up and about. Meeting friends. Oh I'm at my parents by the way. I think I have forgot to mention that hmm. Oh well. I'll see if I can cut together a video soon (I have three filmed but I don't know if they are ok), without having a BF. BITCH FIT.
No but seriously, I will probably break down in tears if it doesn't work or overwork it.
I clean a lot now too. I get stuck in it. I see more and more that must get tidied up. I can't stop unless someone makes me stop. Yesterday Roberto had to force me to eat because I was crazy hungry but could not stop.
I was away in our room here at my parent's (we're at my parent's) for over an hour, cleaning. It felt like 10 minutes tops. I was going there to change clothes but I thought I could tidy up our stuff. Then I saw the bookshelf and I put all the books in place. Child books from tall to shoort, magazines tall to short etc. I also found boxes I had to fix and the kitchen later when I was going to make something to eat.
Ugh. It feels like I'm just getting more and more problems. BUT!!!!!!!!! I'm a lot hapoier now than I used to be. But I also get more upset than before and my panic attacks are worse. Or they are back and worse than before. I have bruises on my legs from my last one. I was on the floor kicking my legs on the stone floor.
Bah. I hope it's ok that I'm writing about this. It helps me to get shit out of my system this way. I can also go back and read my posts about this whenever I need to as long as I have internet. So I can forget my notes at home when I go to my doctor and still have my notes online. Yaaay.
I'm going to get ready for this day now. I just pulled out my extensions so that feels a bit shit. My skin is quite bad too. So I don't feel pretty (mainly my skin) but I'm calm and pretty happy.
I tried to photograph my skin and legs. It doesn't show my bruises too much. I usually don't get these kinds of bruses so the one I have is huge for beeing me.
I hope you're having a much better time than I am :)
jjgdsgdkgdjk Jag ska iväg och tatuera mig nu.... Jag vet inte om jag pallar. Jag har tid om mindre än två timmar. Att ta mig ut förutom runt ikring där jag bor eller det inte är så mycket folk är lugnt. Men nu blir det att åka till Slussen, väldigt nära Stockholm centrum = massor med folk.
Jag har ju lugnat ner mig nu. Det klarar jag av. Men kroppen känns ändå inte ok. Den vill verkligen inte röra sig mot att lämna lägenheten för att vara bland massvis med människor. Inte är det sol heller. Jag gömmer mig bakom solglasögon. Det är nice. Men det känns inte så nice när det inte är sol :(
Har ni några tips på hur man får ner ångest och/eller panik känslor snabbt? T ex när man ska man ska göra något väldigt snart?
Jag vill inte avboka tiden, för hon har typ aldrig tid hon jag ska till. Och detta är det sista jag ska göra hos henne just nu som jag har planerat. Vill få det överstökat bara. Bli klart och rulla vidare till nästa projekt.
Shit vad deppig stämning det blev på bloggen nu. Det är ju inte så himla roligt. Dock kan jag inte rå för att jag är sjuk. Shit poop.
Jag har massa stuffs som ska upp. Har 3 videos filmade (vet inte om alla tre går att använda). Men har ej klippt i dom. Så Ya. Jag ska göra mitt absolut bästa för att klippa ihop en video idag i alla fall.
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Black top: http://www.shock.se/Klaeder/38440-Ladies-Crop-Tank-Tassels.htm
Brosch (heart, only avalible in red on the website): http://www.shock.se/Accessoarer/38347-Tiny-Pin-Anatomical-Heart.htm
Brosch (featus): http://www.shock.se/Accessoarer/38352-Brooch-In-Utero.htm
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Jag hittade ett halv fånigt test som jag tänkte testa för skojs skull eftersom jag är non-binary. Kort och gott jag känner inte att jag passar in som varken man eller kvinna. Pretty simple Huuu. Men sen om man tycker det är intressant så finns det extremt mycket runt kring detta. Iaf. Jag tog detta test: http://www.playbuzz.com/gregs/what-gender-should-you-actually-be . Och fick resultatet man. Jag blev faktiskt förvånad. För med de fucked up fördomar jag har var jag säker på att jag skulle bli en brud. Jag är helt lost. Nu är ju detta bara ett fånigt test. Men jag tänkte nog skriva lite mer om mina tankar på att vara non-binary, hur jag kom på det och hur jag har känt och känner mig nu efter att ha fått upp ögonen för detta.
I've been gone for a while. Sorry about that. It's personal but I have mostly been sleeping and I'm doing great, so no worries for me ok ^-^ I'm back as usual now!
I did this silly test to se if I was male or female. I thought since I see myself as non-binary this could be a bit fun. I actually thought my answers would give me the result as a female but no. Now I know this is just a silly test and nothing serious. But it made me think about writing more about my thoughts of beeing non-binary. How I felt before knowing and after. etc.
Here is a link to the sillyness: http://www.playbuzz.com/gregs/what-gender-should-you-actually-befff