I've heard many who had a lot longer instestigations, but I suppose it may depend on how dep into it you go. My psychologist said that she did not like to do just for the sake of doing. I agree with her. I will miss her because I really liked her, but I wil not miss going to this healthcare center. I don't want to go into detail on why, I probably will one day but not now. I will still go back next week to read everything she has written about me. It's about 5 A4 of information that will go in my journal, that I also will get a copy of whenever I need it in certain situations.
Today we went trough the test I had done. I got to know my IQ, at least according to this test and know what my strengths are. In some things I was waaaaay over average and in a few I was below average. This hit my pretty hard because it feels like a faliure. I want to score high, I want to do good and be great! But I noticed during the test that I'm really bad at some things. What I was really bad at (not really bad but below average) was describing de smiliraity between words. What I was really good at was building pictures with the blocks and adding the last symbol into a series of symbols. I got to know that I made one wrong answer on the series of symbols one, this also hit me wuite hard. I feel really bad about it. That last one was the hardest and she said she thought I was going to get the correct answer on it. Maybe I would have if I would have thought for a tiny bit longer, ugh, I'm a bit mad at myself. The time wasn't up, I could have looked at it for a little longer and gotten it right. I know this has nothing to do with the outcome of my diagnosis but I feel unintelligent for not getting it right. Hmm silly, silly, I wish things like this didn't bother me so much. I know I have gotten similar symbol questions like that one right before. HA, I'm really stuck on this. So angry with myself. I don't want to say what my IQ landed on because I'm ashamed of that too. It's a lot lower than I thought it was. I know that's because I have problems in some areas and are very gifted in others, but still. Even if you only counted the gifted parts it was lover than I wanted. Ugh I really have to find a way to let this go. Constant feeling of not feeling good enough. Blah. Ok enough of this.
I don't know what will happen now. I will go back on Tuesday to read trough everything. But after that? I have no idéa what I want to do with my life at the moment at all. I have ruled out working with anything that has to do with service, my psychologist strongly agrees with me. It makes me both understimulated because my brain needs to work more. I also get overstimulated because of the impressions from everything around me and having to be social, talking to people and process everything. So I'm still quite lost. I don't know if I will continue to be on sick leave or if I have to choose something to do now. I guess I should see someone who can help me understand what I "need", so I can adapt my surroundings after my needs. For you who don't know that is a pretty big part of this diagnosis, it's not an illness. There are no medication for the diagnosis itself but there are medication for it's side effects. Something you have to focus on is adapt your surroundings after yourself because if you adapt yourself after your surroundings, you usually end up feeling like a bag of poop. That's why I first had to go on sick leave, because of fatigue depression caused by me not beeing able to adapt. Oh this is turning into a long post, I'm going to round off now.
I shall write down my questions for my psychologist on Tuesday and then I will go for a run. So many questions that I have trouble putting into words, it's good I have the whole weekend to think!
|This is my winter running jacket, I love it!|